


Don't Let a Single Word Slip Out

by Turq8



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Various minor OC's - Freeform, minor warning for discussion of canon self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 21:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13326855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turq8/pseuds/Turq8
Summary: Caleb doesn’t know it, but he and Adam had history together.





	Don't Let a Single Word Slip Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [type_here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/type_here/gifts).



> This is my incredibly late TBS Secret Santa gift for type_here (I'm The Worst), I really hope you like it!
> 
> This is a piece I've wanted to write for a long time, ever since I saw this reply on the TBS tumblr: http://thebrightsessions.tumblr.com/post/157385457384/how-long-exactly-did-adam-like-caleb-before-they  
> It's canon-compliant as far as anything on that blog can be considered canon, specifically referencing this too: http://thebrightsessions.tumblr.com/post/155400226769/was-caleb-adams-first-kiss-who-was-calebs
> 
> Title is from "1000 Times" by Sara Bareilles, which is such a good song for pining after someone.
> 
> Warning for discussion of self-harm in line with canon, though as a disclaimer I have no personal experience with self-harm and I hope that I have handled it respectfully (please let me know if I didn't!)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!!

Caleb doesn’t know it, but he and Adam had history together.

7th grade World Studies, to be exact.

Adam remembers it, if only because he always notices a cute boy, but they were in completely different friend groups (as in Caleb had friends and Adam didn’t), so the two never spoke.

***

The summer after 8th grade, Adam’s parents find him in the bathroom when a stroke of the razor goes too deep; after a stay overnight at the hospital and a discussion with the mental health professional on duty, they send him to a treatment program for the summer. Adam explains over and over again that it was an _accident_ , and he didn’t even do it that often, but that only leads to conversations about why and how it had started, and he doesn’t know how to put words to the itch of apathy and loneliness that’s always been inside him. How cutting had felt like he was at least doing something to relieve the listless white noise on really bad days. But the other kids in the program aren’t so bad. There’s one boy in particular that he really likes- they make faces at each other across the circle in group therapy sessions, and they’re sharing a room together with four other boys. 

His name is Matthew, and Adam knows he’s gay too because as soon as he had mentioned it in passing, the counselors had pounced on it as the root of all his self-harming impulses (even though he had asserted that it wasn’t and he’s not ashamed of his sexuality or anything, _geez_ ).

The group leaders are willing to leave them unsupervised as long as they’re with someone else, so they’re both sitting quietly reading in their room during some prescribed “me time”, just the two of them. The sun is shining through the window so brightly that they don’t even need to turn on the lights. On the floor, in a patch of warm sunlight, Matthew stretches, and catches Adam looking at the bit of skin subsequently revealed by the bottom of his shirt. He smiles, and Adam feels his cheeks heat up.

“You too?” he asks, and Adam nods, knowing innately what he’s asking. “Your family know?” Adam nods again. It was one of the things that had come up in the aftermath of his hospital visit, when his parents had begged him not to hide anything else about his happiness and well-being from them. It had been a relief, actually, for them to sit down and pay attention to him and listen to everything that had been bothering him. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d had a whole family discussion like that. It was nice, even with all the emotional trauma and crying that came with it.

“And?” Matthew prompts.

“They’re fine with it. They were kinda busy freaking out about other stuff,” Adam adds sheepishly. “I think they probably guessed anyway.”

“Yeah, mine too,” Matthew says. He’s shifted much closer to Adam now, and closed his book. He hums, and then asks shyly, “have you kissed a boy yet?” Adam turns redder and looks away. “Yeah, me neither,” Matthew laughs. They sit awkwardly for a minute. Matthew stares back down at the cover of his book, but he looks up when Adam takes a deep breath.

“Do you want to?” Adam asks, trying to be smooth but feeling like his face is hot enough to roast marshmallows on. In answer, Matthew slowly leans in and presses their lips together softly. Adam closes his eyes and tilts his head a little. It’s nice. They even do it a few more times before the program is over.  
Unfortunately, Adam loses the scrap of paper with Matthew’s number on it, and he never learned his last name.

***

9th grade is a rush because he’s in high school now and there are so many new people in all of his classes. He’s caught between trying to stick with the people he already knows, even if he’s not all that close with them, and trying to make new friends, but he’s never been very good at that. Besides, he’s in high school now, and his grades count for college admissions starting this year, as his parents keep reminding him (not that he’s been slacking before now). He signs up for debate and mathletes to start building up his extra-curriculars, and between those and homework, he doesn’t have a lot of time for friends anyway. He has his friends from clubs, even though he only talks to them at school, and that’s enough. He tells himself he doesn’t mind, but sometimes it feels like he’s choking on loneliness.

His parents do try to encourage him to have fun and be social outside of his activities though. They worry that he’s too isolated and he’s going to start hurting himself again- he understands their fears, but he’s also way too freaked out to risk it again. They wanted him to try seeing a therapist, but he made a deal that if he started going out more, they wouldn’t make him go, which is how he ends up at a school football game on a Friday night, being jostled in the loud metal stands. He knows enough to cheer when the ball makes it to the end zone with his school’s team on it, and takes the rest of his cues from everyone else’s reactions, but he keeps finding his gaze drifting away from the field to the sidelines. If he’s gotta be here anyway, who’s he to pass up the chance to ogle some cute football players?

He watches as number 8 takes off his helmet, spits out his mouth guard, and tips his head back to squirt water into his mouth. Caleb is actually one of the few freshmen to get some playing time during games, which means his popularity has skyrocketed in their class. One of his teammates slaps him on the back in that way that straight guys do to be friendly, and when he smiles back Adam’s heart misses a step.

When he’s alone in his room after the game, he lays on his back and stares moodily at the ceiling while trying to convince himself that he’s not going to fulfill the triple cliché of the nerdy gay emo kid getting a crush on the hot jock.

***

Convincing himself doesn’t seem to be working. If he could find someone else nice to look at, maybe, but Caleb keeps popping up through sophomore year- his locker is in the same hallway as Adam’s and he had a growth spurt the summer after 9th grade so now he’s several inches taller than most of their peers, making him too easy to spot in a crowd. Adam keeps his head down, focused on his textbooks, and Caleb doesn’t know he exists, so the world spins on. By the time winter exams roll around, Adam doesn’t have the energy to lie to himself anymore: he has a big, fat crush on Caleb Michaels, hot jock.

***

It’s a big school, but it’s not that big, so it only takes about 10 minutes for the entire student body to find out that Caleb Michaels and Kevin Seely got in a fight after class. Details vary on the rumor mill about who threw the first punch and for what reason, but the most reliable sources say that Seely had said some very unflattering things about Josh Richter’s sister, and when Richter was pissed off and being held back by his friends, Caleb had come out of nowhere and knocked Seely off his feet, and now they were both suspended for a week. The more salacious rumors claim that it took two other members of the football team and a teacher to pull them apart.

His mom asks him about it when he gets home, a note was sent out to all the parents about the school’s zero-tolerance policy on fighting, but he just shrugs and heads into his room. Adam knows he should be freaked out, but… Caleb was just defending his friend (well, technically his friend’s sister). And Adam has never seen him be anything but friendly and kind before this- one time, he watched the boy climb a tree so he could put a baby bird back in its nest. 

The official ruling of the school court of public opinion is that Caleb was in the right, but everyone does give him a little wider of a berth when he comes back from suspension. Adam is pretty sure it’s a mutual agreement- that he’s actively separating himself from the rest of the student body more than he used to. Is he worried he’ll lose his temper again? He looks like he hasn’t been sleeping well, though his dark circles are nothing compared to Seely’s black eye.

***

In junior year, Adam finally shares a class with Caleb again- and it’s English. He doesn’t get excited about much these days, but he’s thrilled about this. Sometimes he thinks he can feel someone’s stare on the back of his neck, but it’s just wishful thinking to hope it’s Caleb. Instead of turning to look, he keeps his head down like he always does, focuses on his favorite class. He knows his parents want him to follow a STEM path, maybe even become a neuroscientist like them, but he’s always known himself too well for that. He desperately wants to major in English, and he’s been honing his skills in debate club to convince his parents. Mr. Collins appreciates his passion, especially since it’s clear that he’s one of the few in the class who doesn’t just SparkNotes the texts.

Not everyone seems to agree with their teacher though. After his Macbeth presentation (one of his best ever, so he’s feeling pretty proud and holding his head a little higher than usual), he finds himself pressed against the hallway lockers as three of the football team members loom over him.

“You think you’re the shit, Hayes?” one of them breathes down into his face. Adam tries not to cringe away and fails. He should really be better at not reacting by now- he’s been in this situation enough times. Another shoves him enough to put him off-balance, and he stumbles. He knows he just has to block out their taunts until they get bored, or Mr. Collins comes out of the classroom and they stop. His good mood is completely gone, but he’s managing until a new voice breaks into the circle they’ve formed.

“Hey, leave him alone, the dude’s sad enough as it is. Can’t you see that? He just- he wants to be left alone.” 

Oh. 

Oh no.

He looks up and Caleb is standing there with his arms crossed. He’s not looking at Adam, which is good because it means he doesn’t see the flush rushing into Adam’s cheeks. Not only does Caleb Michaels know he exists- he thinks he’s pathetic and sad. 

Adam takes advantage of his hecklers’ (and his savior’s) distraction to high-tail it down the hall and into the bathroom. He knows he has to compose himself quickly so he can catch the bus, but he needs a minute to catch his breath and wipe the tears away. He doesn’t know if they’re sad tears, or embarrassed tears, or angry tears. He does know he’s overflowing with all the emotions twisting inside him. For the first time in a while, he feels the urge to press a blade to his skin, but he pushes it down.

When he finally gets home, he goes straight to his bedroom like usual and flops onto the bed. It’s Friday, so instead of homework he listens to music and doodles in his notebook and tries to block out the echoes of Caleb’s words ringing in his ears. 

***

By the time Monday comes, he’s basically accepted that he’s going to be alone until college, and so he just has to focus on getting himself there. He’s brought his notebook to school and is sketching in it before English starts when he catches movement coming towards him in the corner of his eye. He looks up and freezes when he sees Caleb navigating through the desks and he’s looking at Adam and then his mouth is opening and-

And Caitlin steps smoothly in front of him and starts talking. Fuck. She nervously asks him if he’ll be her date to the upcoming Sadie Hawkins dance, and he says yes. Double fuck. Adam turns back to his notebook and determinedly refuses to look up again until it’s time for class to start. He still feels what he’s now 90% sure are Caleb’s eyes on the back of his neck for the rest of class. When the bell rings, he packs up his bag and is out the door before he risks catching Caleb’s stare again.

***

Wednesday he expects Caleb to have forgotten about him again, so it’s a surprise when he hears his name after class. He looks up to see Caleb in front of his desk. He schools his face into a neutral expression before the panic can register on it, but Caleb’s gaze is directed at the desk. He’s nervously shifting his weight and for a second it looks like he’s changed his mind about being seen talking to the weirdo loser kid, but then he speaks again.

“I uh, just wanted to say that your- your Macbeth presentation was pretty cool. Like all that stuff you said about symbolism and the witches and stuff was really smart, made me think about the book more. Or I guess it’s a play? Whatever.” He pauses, and Adam waits. Is he supposed to say something? Can he even say something when his tongue has gone totally dry in his mouth?

“I was wondering if you, um, maybe wantedtoeatlunchwithme?” Caleb continues, looking up at the end. Adam is still frozen with dread, though now there’s confusion sending his brain into overdrive. It’s not like Caleb doesn’t have other friends he could eat lunch with. Sure, Adam has noticed that he tends to hang out in smaller groups at school instead of the whole football team like he used to, but that doesn’t explain why he’s asking to eat with Adam. Or does he expect Adam to come sit with everyone else? Is this a set-up? Is he just being a paranoid fucker?

“It’s pretty nice out, we could eat outside?” Caleb tries again. Well, that answers one question. And… he’s not stupid enough to pass up the chance to eat lunch alone with the boy he’s had a crush on for longer than he wants to admit. Before he can finish weighing his options, his mouth starts moving of its own accord.

“Yeah, okay. I just gotta swing by the cafeteria first.” Caleb’s answering (relieved?) grin makes his heart miss several steps this time, and oh boy is Adam in trouble.


End file.
